PEKAT

"Kini semua terlalu pekat
Untuk dikenang dalam angan
Lama coba berjalan
Nyata tak satu tujuan
Janji-janji bersama
Menghilang seketika
Lama coba bertahan
Benar aku masih cinta
Namun bukan begini adanya
Biarlah usai"

Yura Yunita ft. Reza Rahadian -  Pekat

Waktu pertama kali denger lagu ini, yang pertama kali kepikiran itu: Lagunya bagus! Melodinya maksud gw. Slow pop yang punya vibe mellow dan cocok banget didengerin malem-malem sebelum tidur, atau waktu lagi nyetir sore sambil liatin sunset di Flyover Pesing. Awalnya denger pun karena ada Reza Rahadian yang nyanyi. Cuma pengen tau, kalo dia nyanyi kayak apa sih? Apa suaranya akan kedengeran sintetik banget? 

Di kali kedua lagu ini diputar. Tepat setelah yang pertama, baru sadar dengan liriknya. Tau kan sound effect "JLEB!", yang kalo di film kartun itu bentuknya panah yang nancep langsung ke hati? Begitu yang gw rasain waktu pelan-pelan mencerna cerita di lagu ini. ME! It's me! Is it me, right?? Langsung lupa sama tujuan awal mendengarkan lagu ini. Rasanya dari baris pertama sampai huruf terakhir sebelum lagunya selesai, gw bisa ngerti. Banget. Saking ngertinya, abis muter yang ketiga kalinya ( setelah yang kedua selesai), rasanya sesak. 

Exactly how i feel. Terlalu pekat. Terlalu lama berjalan. Janji-janji yang menghilang. Dan mungkin memang sudah seharusnya, cerita ini usai dari bertahun-tahun yang lalu. 

Masih di hari yang sama, gw langsung nge-WA belahan jiwa gw. Langsung curhat semua kegalauan gw. Dan jawaban dia pun masih tetap sama, kayak jawaban yang uda gw teriam bertahun-tahun. Dan jawaban yang gw sendiri pun uda tau jawabannya tanpa harus bertanya kiri kanan ke semua orang terdekat gw. 

Walaupun ga dapet jawaban baru, tapi lumayan. Curhat ke seseorang sedikit bikin bisa bernapas. dan di waktu kayak gini, gw sungguh bersyukur punya Sonia. Soulmate yang dikasih sama Tuhan buat gw. Yang tanpa banyak ngomong, bisa ngertiin gw. 

Baru-baru ini gw baca, selama masih punya previlege untuk memilih: BERSYUKURLAH! 

Bisa memilih mau makan nasi goreng tek-tek atau bakmi Asui.

Bisa memilih mau bobo siang atau nonton drama Korea.

Bisa memilih untuk jalan ke German atau kerja di kantor.

Bisa memilih untuk lari pagi atau bangun siang.

Bisa memilih untuk bertahan atau melepaskan.

Lebih gampang diucapin (read:ditulis) daripada dikerjain.

Gw selalu membuat satu lagi alasan untuk bertahan setiap kali mulai galau. Lalu ditunda lagi sampai waktunya galau lagi di waktu yang sama: sebelum tamu bulanan datang berkunjung. Semacam ada di lingkaran setan yang selalu bikin gw bingung, harus keluar dimana.

Sebenernya ya, gampang kok.

Modal nekat, said it loud, dan jangan pikirin hasil akhirnya.

yeah, if only it will be that easy.

Am i still innocent?

Strolling thru old post, and found this.
After 6 years, i guess it's time to find out, am i still innocent?

01. Smoked
02. Drank alcohol
03. Cried when someone died
04. Been drunk
05. Had sex
06. Been to a concert
07. Gotten/given a hand job
08. Been verbally/sexually harassed
09. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 93% (before: 94%)

11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose 
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom/ Ball
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a Wal-Mart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 86% (Before: 89%)

21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done drugs.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 82% (Before: 85%)

31. Played strip poker/darts/pool.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Made beans.
40. Been in love.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 78% (Before: 81%)

41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 74% (Before: 79%)

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Made spicy beans.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed Goth.
59. Dressed preppy .
60. Been to a motocross race.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 73% (Before: 79%.)

61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR 70% (Before: 77%)

71. Been caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 69% (Before: 75%)

81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 62% (Before: 72%)

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain
97. Been rejected
98. Left a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.

 

TOTAL 58%  ( Before: 66%. It means i am getting more innocent in last section!)

Conclusion: Nothing much happen in this 6 years. Not so innocent from the start but surely, not innocent now. lol. 

When Love Arrives

I knew exactly what Love looked like … in 7th grade.

Even though I hadn’t met Love yet, if Love had wandered into my home room I would have recognized him at first glance – Love wore a hemp necklace.
I would have recognized her at first glance – Love wore a tight French braid.
Love played acoustic guitar, and knew all my favorite Beatles’ songs.
Love wasn’t afraid to ride the bus with me.
And I knew I just must be searching the wrong class room, just must be checking the wrong hallway.
She was there, I was sure of it.
If only I could find him.

But when Love finally showed up – she had a bull cut!
He wore the same clothes everyday for a week.
Love hated the bus.
Love didn’t know anything about the Beatles.

Instead, every time I tried to kiss Love, our teeth got in the way!!!

Love became the reason I lied to my parents. I’m going to Ben’s house.
Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor but made sure we never miss a slow song.
Love waited by the phone because she knew if her father picked up that’d be “Hello”… “Hh..” “Hello?” “Hh…” “I guess I’d hang up.”

And Love grew.
Stretched like a trampoline.

Love changed.
Love disappeared, slowly, like baby teeth.
Loosing parts of me I thought I needed.

Love vanished.
Like an amateur magician everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
Like a flat tire – there were other places I had planned on going.
But my plan didn’t matter.

Love stayed away for years.
And when Love finally reappeared, I barely recognized him.

Love smells different now, had darker eyes.
A broader back, Love came with freckles that I didn’t recognize.
New birth mark – a softer voice.
Now there were new sleeping patterns.
New favorite books.
Love had songs that reminded him of someone else.
Songs Love didn’t like to listen to, so did I.

But we found a park bench that fit us perfectly.
We found jokes that make us laugh.
And now Love makes me fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies.
(But Love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack.)

Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer.
Love is a terrible driver, but a great navigator.
Love knows where she’s going, it just might take her two hours longer than she planned.
Love is messier now.
Love is simple.
Love uses the word boobs in front of my parents!
Love chews too loud.
Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
Love uses a smiley face in her text messages.
And turns out… Love shits.

But Love also cries;
And Love will tell you “You are beautiful”, and mean it.
Over and over again.

“You are beautiful.”

When you first wake up, “You are beautiful.”When you’ve just been crying, “You are beautiful.”When you don’t wanna hear it, “You are beautiful.”When you don’t believe it, “You are beautiful.”When nobody else will tell you, “You are beautiful.”Love still thinks, “You are beautiful.”But Love is not perfect and will sometimes forget.
When you need to hear it most, “You are beautiful.”

Do not forget this.
Love is not who you were expecting.
Love is not what you can predict.
Maybe Love is in New York City already asleep.
You are in California, Australia, wide awake.
Maybe Love is always in the wrong time-zone.Maybe Love is not ready for you.
Maybe you are not ready for Love.

Maybe Love just isn’t the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see Love is 20 years after the divorce.
Love looks older now but just as beautiful as you remember.
Maybe Love is only there for a month.
Maybe Love is there for every firework. Every birthday party. Every hospital visit.
Maybe Love stays. Maybe Love can’t. Maybe Love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to and Love leaves exactly when Love must.
When Love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”If Love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music. Listen to the quiet.
Whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”

PS. This is one of the most beautiful modern poem that i ever read ( and watch). And it will make me feel so guilty if i didn't share it with other. :)

SHE

I found my quote of the year.

“She was chaos and beauty intertwined. A tornado of roses from divine.” 

― Shakieb Orgunwall

Keren kan? Dan seketika gue langsung penasaran, siapakah manusia dibalik kata-kata keren ini. Dan penemuan gw, sangat anti klimaks. Gw pikir dia penulis, atau siapa gitu lah. Gw ga nemuin apa-apa, selain dy bikin kutipan-kutipan keren lainnya. Tapi, karena kutipan nya emang pada oke, yaweslah, tak apa-apa. 

Semoga taon baru ini, gw bisa menjadi seperi kutipan di atas. A beautiful chaos! :)

Tahun lalu itu, uda jelas banget bukan tahun terbaik yang gw lewati. Gw kehilangan banyak hal penting dan berharga. Dan tau kan kutipan yang bilang, kalo kita tuh baru sadar kehilangan sesuatu yang berharga saat hal itu hilang. Itu bener banget, dan yang kesisa cuma penyesalan. Gw berharap gw uda ngelakuin lebih dari yang udah gw lakuin, tapi waktu yang uda lewat ga bisa berubah.

Sambil nyapuin debu-debu di pojokan blog ini, gw sedih ngeliat angka tulisan yang menurun drastis beberapa tahun belakangan. Hahaha. Semakin tua ya, rasanya waktu yang gw punya ga sebanyak dulu, 24 jam itu ga cukup. Dan saat punya waktu luang, gw memilih untuk ngelakuin hal-hal lain, misalnya tidur atau main game. Hal-hal ga produktif semacam itulah. :') Dan penyebab lainnya, mungkin semakin tua, rasanya gw semakin introvert dan tertutup. Jadi males sharing ini-itu, males bercerita tentang hidup gw, males curcol soal kegalauan yang ga penting. Ga kayak zaman dulu banget waktu masih ABG, apa juga ditulis, macem ga ada filter. Hahahaha

Setelah mulai nulis beberapa kalimat disini, it feels good. Rasanya gw kayak diingetin kenapa dulu gw mulai bikin blog ini. Dan gw cukup seneng sih, karena gw ga perlu jaim dan buat pencitran hidup yang cantik dan sempurna disini. No pressure at all. 

"Emang ga mau apa blognya jadi terkenal? Kan nanti bisa dapet duit dari situ! Bisa buat jalan-jalan loh."

Ya mau sih. Tapi rasanya ga disini. Too much pressure, dan gw bakal lebih sedih lagi kalo gw jadi ga jujur dan bikin pencitraan disini. Gw belajar 1 hal di zaman sosial media ini. Personal branding itu super penting! Penyebab Awkarin ga pernah dilirik brand gede padahal follower dia uda pake huruf "m", atau penyebab Amrazing bisa jadi selegram papan atas walaupun mulutnya sering nyebelin, semua tak lain dan tak bukan karena personal branding. Wong beha kolor aja sama-sama beli di Bangkok, tapi dengan personal branding yang bagus, si brand XX bisa jual dengan harga 2-3x lipat dari harga  jual di toped kok. Jadi, intinya kalo gw mau dapet duit dari sini, gw harus bikin personal branding yang bener dulu. Yah, nanti deh, setelah tau apa yang mau gw jual. 

Selamat tahun baru (lewat 15 hari)! 

Semoga tahun ini bisa lebih banyak menulis. Dan lebih sedikit galau. Dan lebih berani dari tahun sebelumnya.

(Don't) put a ring on it

if you are not ready.

A Little Prince, Rachmaninoff, dan L'enfant et Les Sortileges

Udah jadi semacam kebiasaan jelek, hal pertama yang dibuka kalo megang HP itu instagram, dan ngeliat-ngeliat IGStory orang-orang yang gw follow. Ini nih yang bikin gw selalu berasa gw butuh social media detox. Tapi, mungkin lain kali aja baru gw tulis soal itu. Kalo masih inget untuk ditulis di kali yang lain. :)

Sambil ngegeser story orang-orang ini ke samping, jari gw berhenti di story seseorang.

Lucu rasanya. Semalam, waktu ngeliat orang-orang di atas pangung, ngeliat konduktor, ngeliat piano, seseorang ini selalu lewat di kepala gw. Dan ternyata, kami berada di tempat yang sama semalam. Aneh. Orang yang gw kangenin banget, ternyata berada 1 ruangan dengan gw, berdecak kagum dengan pianis yang sama yang memainkan Rachmaninoff, mungkin membayangkan imaji yang sama tentang pangeran kecil dan bunga mawarnya dan tertawa melihat si "kucing" kucing jantan dengan bariton meow nya.

Setelah gw pikir, wajar banget dia ada disana. Toh itu kan dunianya sekarang. Yang ada, mungkin dy yang heran kalo ngeliat gw ada disana, ngapain ini bocah nonton beginian. Hahaha. 

Satu hal yang gw pelajari dari kangen. Mintalah, maka kamu akan mendapatkan. Sapalah, maka kangenmu (mungkin) akan terobati. Kalo kangen doang tanpa usaha, errr, makan tuh kangen. Yang ada lose contact dan akhirnya cuma bisa meratapi memori yang tersisa. Tapi emang sih, ga semua kangen ini segampang ini solusinya. Ada kangen-kangen yang jauh lebih merepotkan dan ga ada obatnya. Contohnya: kangen Papa. 

"you will never know how much you love someone until they're gone."

Sering banget kan denger kutipan ini? Gw tau kutipan ini bener, tapi ya, waktu ngerasain sendiri, rasanya ga enak banget. Emang bener, penyesalan selalu dateng terakhir. Waktu orangnya uda ga ada, baru kepikirin banyak "what if" yang uda ga ada gunanya lagi sekarang. 

Di sudut pojokan hati gw, kadang gw masih berasa ga percaya kalo gw ga bakal ketemu lagi. Uda ga bakal ada lagi yang ngoceh-ngoceh kalo uda mau tengahmalem tapi gw masih belom bobo, ga ada yang nyuruh-nyuruh bersihin mobil atau ambil ini itu, ga ada ngocehin pritilan ga penting lagi di rumah, ga ada yang nyuruh garuk-garuk punggung lagi, ga ada yang rese lagi kalo gw mau pergi jalan-jalan, tapi juga ga ada yg rese lagi karena dy perhatian sama gw. Kalo gw pikir-pikir, segala kereseannya itu, sebenernya buat kebaikan gw. Dan sekarang, si papa rese itu uda ga akan pulang lagi ke rumah.

Rasanya aneh. Dan sedih.

Serius, kangen itu menyedihkan.

i miss you, cece.

i miss you a little bit too much, Papa.

Somehere only i know

Let's stop pretending
Pack my luggage,
hold a one way ticket
to somewhere far away
with nobody i know
and no pressure will be
somewhere only i know